Soldier Song

Asshole, asshole, a soldier I will be,
To piss, to piss, two pistols on my knee,
For cunt, for cunt, for country and for queen,
Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole, a soldier I will be!

Balls to Your Partner

Chorus:

Balls to your partner, ass against the wall,
if you've never been laid on Saturday night,
you've never been laid at all.

Verses:

First lady forward, second lady back.
Third lady's finger up the fourth lady's crack.

The Queen was in the chamber, eating bread and honey,
the King was in the Chamber Maid, and she was in the money.

The village butcher he was there, the cleaver in his hand,
and every time he turned around he circumcised a man.

The village harlot she was there, she was having fits,
swinging from the chandeliers and bouncing off her tits.

Little Eric he was there, he was having fun,
swinging off the chandeliers and bouncing off his buns.

The village carpenter he was there, looking like a fool,
he brought his saw and he brought his hammer, but he forgot his tool.

The village mortician he was the, quite out of breath,
while fucking a stiff it farted and it scared him half to death.

Bobbing for apples his wife was, fun to screw around,
when the village idiot tried it, the stupid fucker drowned.

Little Eric he was there, he was only eight,
he couldn't have the women so he had to masturbate.

Willie Randle he was there, at the hot-dog stand,
a grin upon his face and a wiener in his hand.

Mrs. Randell she was there, sitting on a bed,
weaving prophylactics from a spool of rubber thread.

Four & twenty virgins came down from Inverness,
and when the ball was over, there were four & twenty less.

Four & twenty prostitutes came up from Glockamore,
and when the ball was over they were all of them double bored.

There was fucking in the hallway, fucking on the stairs,
you couldn't see the floor for the mass of pubic hairs.

There was fucking in the kitchen and fucking in the halls
you couldn't hear the music for the clanging of the balls.

Buxom hippie she was there, she was having fits,
she didn't wear her bra and kept stepping on her tits.

The village magician he was there, up to his usual tricks,
he pulled his foreskin over his head and disappeared up his prick.

The village idiot he was there sitting on a pole,
he pulled his foreskin over his head and whistled through the hole.

The village idiot he was there a-leaning on the gate,
he couldn't find a lassie so he had to flatulate.

The village cripple he was there, he wasn't up to much,
he lined them up against the wall and fucked them with his crutch.

The magician's daughter she was there, doing her favorite stunt,
She'd put her head between her legs and disappear up her cunt.

Little Eric he was there, what do you think about that?
Amusing himself by abusing himself and catching it in his hat.

The village economist he was there, pecker in his hand,
waiting for the moment when supply would meet demand.

The village prostitute she was there, lying on the floor,
Every time she spread her legs, the suction closed the door.

The village bride she was there, explaining to the groom,
The vagina not the rectum is the entrance to the womb.

The village blacksmith he was there, a mighty man was he,
he lined them up against the wall and fucked them three by three.

The fortune teller she was there, climbing up the walls,
he wanted a fuck but was out of luck for he had crystal balls.

A pregnant woman she was there, oh how her belly hung,
and everytime you ate her out a hand would grab your tongue.

The village smithy he was there, sitting by the fire,
doing abortions by the score with a piece of red hot wire.

There was fucking on the couches, fucking on the cots,
and lined up against the wall were rows of grinning twats.

Little Joseph he was there, the leader of the choir,
he kicked the boys in the balls to make their voices higher.

There was fucking in the fields, fucking in the oats,
We were fucking women but Bator was fucking goats.

Markie Edwards he was there, looking for some coin,
They found him in the bathroom sucking on my groin.

The village plumber he was there feeling like a fool,
he'd come eleven leagues or more but forgot to bring his tool.

The parson's daughter she was there the cunning little runt
with poison ivy up her ass and thistle up her cunt.

The village smithy he was there sitting by the fire,
doing abortions by the score with a piece of red hot wire.

The village doctor he was there he had his bag of tricks,
and in between the dances he was sterilizing pricks.

Little Richard he was there his prick was all alert,
but when the night was done 'twas dangling in the dirt.

The chimney sweep he was there they had to throw him out,
for every time he passed his wind the room was filled with soot.

The village postman he was there the poor man had the pox,
he couldn't fuck the lassies so he fucked the letterbox.

And when the ball was over everyone confessed,
they all enjoyed the dancing but the fucking was the best.

Chicago

Tune - The Bear Went Over the Mountain

Chorus:

I used to work in Chicago, in an old department store.
I used to work in Chicago, but I don't work there anymore.

A woman came in for a computer (a computer from the store)
A computer she wanted; my Wang she got, and I don't work there anymore.

A man came in for a telephone (a telephone from the store)
A.T.T. he wanted; T.I.T. he got (visual aids help), and I don't work there...

A woman came in for a:

doughnut - glazed she wanted, cream filled she got
gin - Beefeater Gin she wanted, eat her I did
elevator - my shaft
German method of coal extraction - mein shaft
sweater - jumper she wanted, jump her I did
hammer - nailed
T-bone - my boneless round
carpet - pile she wanted, shagged she got
floppy disk - my hard drive
metaphysical conversation - fucked
fabric - velvet she wanted, felt she got
liquor - lick her I did
seafood - lobster she wanted, my crabs she got
beer - 6-pack, ate
help - my AIDS
coffee - ground she wanted, grind her I did

A man came in for a:

balloon - blown
doughnut - my hole
lollipop - sucked
horse - ridden
carpet - shag he wanted, piles he got
wheels - rimmed
beer - Bush (w/visual aids)

Dos, a Beer

Tune - Do, Re, Mi (Sound of Music)

Dos, a beer, a Mexican beer,
Ray, the guy who buys me beer, (Thanks Ray!),
Me, the guy, he buys beer for,
Far, a long-long way to run,
So, I think I've have a beer!
La, la la la la la la,
Tea, no thanks I'll have a beer,
And that brings us back to Dos, dos, dos, dos...

Gang Bang

Tune - Billboard March

Chorus:

I love a gang bang, Oh yes I do,
'Cause a gang bang makes me feel so good.
When I was younger, and in my prime,
I use to gang bang all the ti-i-ime.
But now I'm older, and turning gray,
I only gang bang twice a da-a-ay.

"Knock-knock"

Response: Who's there?
Ida
Response: Ida, who
Ida want another gang bang

Police
Police who?
PPPPPlease take me to the gang bang...

Yurin
Yurin, who
Yurin for sloppy seconds at the gang bang

Kissinger
Kissinger, who
Kissinger great, but fuckin her's better at the...

Eaton
Eaton who?
She'll be "eat'n" everybody at the...

Orange
Orange who?
Aren't you glad your at the gang bang?...

Charlotte
Charlotte who?
Sure lot of fucking at the gang bang....

Eisenhower
Eisenhower who?
I's an hour late for the gang bang if I...

Gladiator
Gladiator who?
Glad he ate her out before the gang bang...

Ben
Ben, who?
Ben-d over and have another gang bang

The Hash House Harriers

Tune - The Addams Family

Their drinking is compulsive,
Their running in convulsive,
They're utterly repulsive,
The Hash House Harriers,

Da da da da da (snap snap)
Da da da da da (snap snap)
Da da da da da
Da da da da da
Da da da da da (snap snap)

Their flatulence is rude,
Their language is rude,
They go running in the nude,
The Hash House Harriers

Da da da da da (snap snap)
Da da da da da (snap snap)
Da da da da da
Da da da da da
Da da da da da (snap snap)

Hot Vagina

Tune - The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You

Hot vagina for your breakfast,
Hot vagina for your lunch,
Hot vagina for your dinner,
Just munch, munch, munch, munch, munch.
It's so tasty and delicious
Bite sized, ready to eat,
So grab your chick, give her a lick
Hot vagina can't be beat.

It's a Small Dick

Tune - It's a Small World

Well it isn't long and it isn't think,
It gets hard too slow and it cums too quick,
It gets lost in her twat but it's all that he's got,
It's a small, small dick.

It's a small dick after all,
It's a small dick after all,
Always limp from alcohol,
It's a small, small dick!

Little Brown Mouse

Tune - The Girl I Left Behind Me

Oh, the liquor was spilled on the bar room floor,
And the bar was closed for the night,
When out from his hole crept a little brown mouse,
And sat in the pale moonlight.

He lapped up the liquor on the bar room floor,
And back on his haunches he sat,
And all night long you could hear him roar,
BRING OUT THE GODDAMNED CAT!

Oh, the cat came out and they had a little spat,
And the cat ate up on the mouse, (Chomp! Chomp!)
And the moral of the story is,
YOU CAN'T DRINK LIQUOR ON THE HOUSE!

Masturbation

Tune - Finculi-Fincula

Last night I laid awake and masturbated,
It felt so good, I knew it would,
Last night I laid awake and masturbated,
It felt so nice, I did it twice.

You should have seen me on the short strokes,
It felt so grand, I used my hand,
You should have seen me on the long strokes,
It felt so neat, I used my feet.

Slam it, ram it, throw it on the floor,
Wrap it around the bedpost, stick it in the door,
Some people think that fornication is so grand,
But I would rather stay at home, and calmly use my hand.

Meet the Hashers

Tune - Meet the Flintstones

Hashers, meet the hashers
We're the biggest drunks in history.
From the, town of .......,
We're the leaders in debauchery,
Half minds, trailing shiggy through the years
Watch us, down a lot of beers.

My Cock will Choke You

Tune - La Cucaracha

My cock will choke you, my cock will choke you
When I put it in your mouth
My cock will choke you, my cock will choke you
When I put it in your mouth

Can't say your safe word, can't say your safe word
When my cock is in your mouth
Can't say your safe word, can't say your safe word
When my cock is in your mouth

Smile for the camera, Smile for the camera
When my cock is in your mouth
Smile for the camera, Smile for the camera
When my cock is in your mouth

Now you're on Facebook, Now you're on Facebook
When my cock is in your mouth
Now you're on Facebook, Now you're on Facebook
When my cock is in your mouth

My God how the Money Rolls in

My father makes books on the corner
My mother makes illicit gin
My sister sells kisses to sailors
My God how the money rolls in

Chorus:

Rolls in, rolls in,
My God how the money rolls in, rolls in
Rolls in, rolls in,
My God how the money rolls in

Verses:

My mother's a bawdyhouse keeper
Every night when the evening grows dim
She hangs out a little red lantern
My God how the money rolls in

My cousin's a Harley Street surgeon
With instruments long, sharp and thin
He only does one operation
My God how the money rolls in.

My sister's a barmaid in Sydney,
For a shilling she'll strip to the skin.
She's stripping from morning to midnight,
My God how the money rolls in.

My brother-in-law is a Hasher,
Who wanders around the hash bar all night,
He's picking up business for our sister,
My God how the money rolls in.

My brother's a poor missionary,
He saves fallen women from sin.
He'll save you a blonde for a guinea,
My God how the money rolls in.

My sister-in-law is a Hasher,
She lays trails year out and year in,
But when she lays hounds in the bushes,
My God how the money rolls in.

My Grandpa sells cheap prophylactics,
And punctures each tip with a pin.
For Grandma gets rich from abortions,
My God how the money rolls in.

Uncle Joe is a registered plumber,
His business is in holes and in tin.
He'll plug up your hole for a tanner,
My God how the money rolls in.

Uncle Tommy was once in a prison,
Where he was a joy to the men,
Now he bends over for business,
My God how the money rolls in.

I've shares in the very best companies,
In tramways, tobacco, and tin,
And brothels in Rio de Janeiro,
My God how the money rolls in.

My brother Jim whittles out candles,
From wax that is exceptionally soft,
He says it will come in real handy,
If ever his business falls off.

I've lost all me cash on the horses,
I'm sick from the illicit gin.
I'm falling in love with me sister,
My God what a mess I am in.

I've lost my way off of the hash trail,
I can't find the beer at the end.
I've got to spot flour by nightfall,
My God will you please let this end!

My Name is Jack

My name is Jack (nah-na-nah-na-nah-na-nah),
I'm a necrophiliac (nah-na-nah-na-nah-na-nah),
I fuck dead women (nah-na-nah-na-nah-na-nah),
And I fill ‘em full of jism (nah-na-nah-na-nah-na-nah).
I get frustrated (nah-na-nah-na-nah-na-nah),
When they're cremated (nah-na-nah-na-nah-na-nah),
Cause try as I must (nah-na-nah-na-nah-na-nah),
I can't fuck dust!

Notes: This song is sung by the RA with the rest of the circle responding with the portion in parentheses. The final line is often shouted by everyone for emphasis.

Variant: Because you can never have too many songs about incest, there's an alternate version of this song. Since it makes reference to the first, it is best sung after the original is sung in circle.

My name is Gus
I'm incestuous
I fucked my mother
And buggered my brother
But when they die
I will not cry
Cuz just like Jack
I'm a necrophiliac

Publicly Pissed Upon

Tune - My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean

He ought to publicly pissed upon,
He ought to be publicly shot (Bang! Bang!),
He out to be tied to a urinal,
And left there to fester and rot.

Rich Young Dumb Nyphomaniac

Well welcome everybody to my place
You can pull up a chair or you can sit on my face
We got everything we need,
the only thing that we lack
is a rich young dumb nymphomaniac

Chorus:

I wanna rich youg dumb nymphomaniac
To drive me around in her cadillac
If she's not down on her knees she will be flat on her back
I wanna rich youg dumb nymphomaniac

We'll give her great big tits and a little bitty ass
a fucking machine that never runs out of gas
a body like nobody's ever seen before
and she recently inherited a liquor store

Chorus:

Well she doesn't wanna marry and she doesn't wanna fight
she doesn't give a shit if I stay out all night
If I bring home another woman she just gives me a smile
and we take off all our clothes and then we fuck in a pile

Chorus:

We'll make her three feet tall
so she stands about here
with a flat spot on her head
so I can rest my beer

Seven Drunken Nights

When I came home on Monday night, as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a horse outside the door, where my old horse should be
So I called my wife, and I said to her (audience shouts: Hey Bitch!)
Would you kindly tell to me,
Who owns that horse outside my door, where my old horse should be?
Oh, you're drunk, you drunk, you silly old fool.
Can't you plainly see?
That's a lovely sow that my mother sent to me
Well it's many a day I've travelled, a hundred miles or more
But a saddle on a sow I've never seen before!

When I came home on Tuesday night......etc.
Saw a coat behind the door......etc.
....Who owns that coat.....
...that's a lovely blanket...
...But buttons on a blanket....etc.

When I came home on Wednesday night.....etc.
I saw a pipe upon the chair, where my old pipe should be..etc.
....Who owns that pipe.....
...That's a lovely tin-whistle that my mother sent to me!
...But tobacco in a tin-whistle I've never seen before!

When I came home on Thursday night......etc.
I saw two boots beneath the bed.......etc.
....Who owns those boots.......etc.
...They're two geranium-pots...etc.
...But laces in geranium-pots....etc.

When I came home on Friday night......etc.
I saw a head upon the bed......etc.
....Who owns that head.........etc.
...That's a baby boy...etc.
...but whiskers on a baby boy...etc.

When I came home on Saturday night....etc.
I saw two hands upon her breasts.....etc.
....Who owns those hands upon your breasts......
...That's a lovely night gown...etc.
...But fingers in a night gown....etc.

When I came home on Sunday night...etc.
I saw a man walk out the door, a little after three! (shout: A.M.!)
....Who was that man that walked out the door, a little after three (shout: A.M.!)
...That's an English preacher....etc.
...But an Englishman that could last till three....etc.

Skeeter on My Peter

Tune - If You're Happy And You Know It

There's a skeeter on my peter, wack it off, (wack it off!)
There's a skeeter on my peter, wack it off, (wack it off!)
There's a dozen on my cousin's,
I can here the fucker's buzzin,
There's a skeeter on my peter, wack it off!

the S & M Man

Verse:

Who can take your grandma
Fill her full of ‘ludes
Shove her in a biker bar
That's full of horny dudes

Chorus:

The S&M Man, the S&M Man
The S&M Man, ‘cause he mixes it with love
And makes the hurt feel good
The hurt feel good

Other verses:

Who can take two icepicks
Stick ‘em in your ears
Ride you like a Harley
While he does you up the rear

Who can take a puppy
Grab it by the ears
Fuck it in the ass
Until it sheds puppy tears?

Who can take a Catholic priest
Bend him over a pew
Fuck him up the ass
Until he swears, "I'm a Jew!"

Who can take your sister
Tie her to a tree
Hang a sign from her neck that says
"This pussy is for free!"

Who can take a pregnant lady
Fuck her ‘til she's dead
Fuck her even more
Until the fetus gives him head

Who can take a cheese grater
Strap it to his arm
Grind it up and down
And make some pussy parmesan

Who can go to an abortion clinic
Sneak around the back
Rummage through the dumpster
‘Til he finds a tasty snack

Who can go to an abortion clinic
fuck sneaking round the back
Enter through the front door
And take one off the rack

Who can take a bicycle
Remove the fuckin' seat
Put your sister on it
And push her down a bumpy street

Who can take a glass rod
Stick it in your dick
Lay it on the table
And smash it with a brick

Who can take a glass rod
Shove it up his tool
Smash it with a hammer
Because the sound it makes is cool

Who can take a nail gun
Climb as high as he can
Nail his pecker down
And bunjie like a man

Who would take a condom
Put pepper in the ring
Use it on the wife
Because she twitches when it stings

Who can take a chainsaw
Cut the bitch in two
Fuck the lower half
And give the other half to you

Who can take (_________)'s grandma
Throw her on the lawn
Fuck her in the grass
While grandpa cheers you on?

These Foolish Things

Lipstick traces on an old french letter,
(Ba bum, ba bum)
A case of you know what that won't get better,
(Ba bum, ba bum)
Oh how it stings!
These foolish things remind me of you.
(Ba baa, ba bum ba bum ba bum ba bum ba bum, Ba baa)

Verses:

An old park bench that we used to sit on
That homeless man you took a shit on
Oh how it stinks
These foolish things remind me of you

A torn bikini and a strangled eel,
That fussy hooker who refused to squeal,
The smelly gear shift in my Oldsmobile...
These foolish things remind me of you.

Sex education class with Sister Mary
Abusing turkeys in the aviary.
Oh how those birds could SING!
These foolish things remind me of you.

A teenage virgin with no pubic hair
Wanking the goats off at the county fair,
Tonguing the tube steak in my underwear...
These foolish things remind me of you.

The navy middy blouse you wore to school,
The clean white knee-high socks that teased my tool,
Those flecks of kimch'i in your morning stool...
These foolish things remind me of you.

The way you honked me on that first blind date,
We watched your sister try to masturbate,
Then used the kimch'i jar to urinate...
These foolish things remind me of you.

The piles of money you could always earn
Helping my buddies — each take their turn,
And how your kimch'i made my asshole burn...
These foolish things remind me of you.

The things your cabbage does to my insides
Have made the x-ray man take scores of slides,
But I still love your late-night ondol rides...
These foolish things remind me of you.

You keep your kimch'i in an earthen crock.
It makes your breath smell like a dirty sock.
Just wash your mouth before you suck my cock...
These foolish things remind me of you.

Your tangy soybean paste that tastes like sludge,
And spicy pepper sauce that holds a grudge,
Remind me how I love to pack your fudge...
These foolish things remind me of you.

Your mother's kimch'i leaves my mouth all raw.
She makes the worst hot sauce I ever saw.
But she gives head just like your poofta pa...
These foolish things remind me of you.

You whisper "kasûm," and I know it's "tits."
You whisper "kongal," and I know it's "clits."
You whisper "kimch'i," and it brings the shits!
These foolish things remind me of you.

Twenty Toes

There is a game called twenty toes,
That's played around the town,
The women play with ten toes up,
And men with ten toes down, down, down, down....

Whip it out at the Ball Game

Tune - Take Me Out to the Ball Game

Whip it out at the ball game,
Wave it round at the crowd,
Dip it in peanuts and Crackerjack,
I don't care if you give it a whack,
Cuz it's - Beat your meat at the ball game,
If you don't cum it's a shame,
‘Cause it's one, two,
You're covered in goo,
At the old ball game!

The Wild West Show

Chorus:

Oh, we're off to see the Wild West Show
The elephants and the kangaroo-o-o-oos
No matter what the weather, as long as we're together
We're off to see the Wild West Show

Verse:

And in this corner, ladies and gentlemen, we
have the amazing gee-raffe*

(Pack responds to first lines with the following chant:
"The *______? Fan-tastic! Incredible! Holy hellfire shit,
tell us about it, motherfucker!")

The amazing giraffe is the most popular animal
in the animal kingdom... Why? Every time he
goes into the bar, he says, "The high-balls are on
me!"

Repeat chorus

Other verses:

And in this corner... the Crooked Antique Dealer.
(*...) The crooked antique dealer is so named
because he'll try to sell you a blood-stained sofa
as a period piece!

...The Mathematical Impossibility. She's called
the mathematical impossibility because she was
ate before she was seven!

...A member of the Figawi tribe. (Good for a
shorter hasher.) The Figawi tribe are only about
so high (gesture to top of short hasher's head),
and they live in a country where the grass is
about this high (gesture at least a foot or two
above the short hasher's head). So all day long,
they wander around yelling, "Where the Figawi??
Where the Figawi??"

...The Winky-Wanky Bird. The Winky-Wanky Bird
has its scrotum attached to its eyelid, so when it
winks, it wanks, and when it wanks, it winks...
and no fair throwing sand in its eye!

...The Amazing Tattooed Woman. She is so
named because she has "Thanksgiving" tattooed
on the inside of one thigh, and "Christmas" on
the inside of the other, and she invites all the
hashers to cum between the holidays!

...The Amazing Tattooed Man. The amazing
tattooed man has an "M" tattooed on one asscheek,
and another "M" on the other ass-cheek.
When he bends over he spells MOM. When he
stands on his head he spells WOW. When he
turns cartwheels, he spells WOW MOM WOW MOM...

You're a Shitty Hare

Tune - Living on a Prayer

We were looking for flour and chalk,
But lost on your trail, they said 'You've been fucked'
It sucked, you suck

We wanted to drink Magic Hat
But lost on your trail we would settle for Pabst
It sucked, you suck

You've got to hold on to the drink you've got
It doesn't make a difference if it's beer or a shot
This is for the tit checks you forgot on trail
You're drinking a lot
Woooha there was no flour out there
Wooooo you're a shitty hare
Take some flour and use it on trail
Wooooo you're a shitty hare
You're a shitty hare!