Limericks

Limericks

(Melody (chorus only) – Mexican Hat Dance)

The chorus is sung, the limericks spoken. The object is to take turns telling limericks, with everyone singing the chorus between limericks. Whoever said the previous limerick usually yells out the personal insult in the chorus. (Limericks marked by “F.B.” are Flying Booger originals. The extensive collection of personal insults was contributed by ZiPpy, Pike’s Peak H4)

Chorus:

Aye, aye, aye, aye
(insert personal insult): Your mother’s a whore on a troopship,
So sing me another verse that’s worse than the other verse,
And waltz me around by my willie.

MORE Insults:

Your mother and father were brothers
Your brother fills empty cream donuts
Your father eats your brother’s cream donuts
Your sister eats bat shit off cave walls
Your mother sucks farts from dead chickens
Your mother and sister are brothers
Your sister leaves slime trails like snails
Your mother does squat thrusts on fireplugs
Your brother eats grandfather’s donuts
Your sister douches with Drano
Your sister swims after troop ships
(and catches them)
(and swims back)
Your sister’s in love with a carrot
Your sister goes down for a quarter
Your sister sucks moose cum off pine cones
Your father does eight-year old Brownies
Your mom uses Frisbees for diaphragms
Your sister got turned down by hashers
Your mother eats shit and lives
Your mother’s vibrator is made by John Deere
Your mother uses hamsters for tampons
Your sister rides bikes without seats
Your mother’s so dry the crabs carry canteens
Your mother goes down on Rush Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh goes down on your sister

Lymericks:

The limerick is furtive and mean;
You must keep her in close quarantine,
Or she sneaks to the slums
And promptly becomes
Disorderly, drunk, and obscene.

When a woman in strapless attire,
Found her breasts working higher and higher,
A guest, with great feeling,
Exclaimed, “How appealing!

Do you mind if I piss in the fire?”
A hasher observed on his bum,
A boil as big as his thumb,
The doc said “Let’s lance it,”
The hasher said, “Eat shit,
Medice, cura te ipsum.”
(physician, heal thyself) – F.B.

There was a young man from Australia,
Who went on a wild bacchanalia,
He buggered a frog,
Two mice, and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.

There was a young lady named Anna,
Who stuffed her friend’s cunt with banana,
Which she sucked bit by bit,
From her partner’s warm slit,
In the most approved lesbian manner.

A hasher, disgustingly vile,
Was swallowed by a crocodile,
Who digested his skin,
And most things within,
But choked on his membrum virile. – F.B.

In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Just stroking the butt of his madam,
He was quaking with mirth,
For on all of the earth,
There were only two balls, and he had ’em.

There was a young lady named Alice,
Who pissed in the Archbishop’s chalice,
It was not for the need,
She committed the deed,
But simple sectarian malice.

A front-running bastard named Moffat,
At seduction was one very cool cat,
He’d spread open their thighs,
With sweetly-voiced lies,
While whispering “Exitus acta probat.”
(the end justifies the means) – F.B.

A young married couple from Aberystwyth,
Knew another young couple they played whist with,
They all managed when able,
To reach under the table,
And play with what the other ones pissed with.

A mathematician named Fine,
Always showed her classes a good time,
Instead of multiplication,
She taught fornication,
And never got past sixty-nine.

There was a young dino named Barney,
Whose treatment of kids was quite smarmy,
He’d probe every hole,
Then swallow ’em whole,
Till his shit looked like children con carne.

There was a young lady from Munich,
Who was ravished one night by a eunuch,
At the height of her passion,
He slipped her a ration,
From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.

There once was a woman from Phlox,
Who set dynamite off in her box,
To describe the sensation,
She cried with elation,
“It’s better than elephant cocks!”

A woman from South Carolina,
Placed fiddle strings ‘cross her vagina,
With proper sized cocks,
What was sex, became Bach’s
Toccata and Fugue in D Minor.

An unfortunate fellow named Chase,
Had an ass that was badly misplaced,
He showed indignation,
When an investigation,
Proved that few persons shit through their face.

A horny old hasher from Brest,
Showed up at Down-Downs undressed,
When the harriettes all ran away,
He said, “There’ll be another day,
Dum vita est, spes est.”
(while there’s life, there’s hope) – F.B.

A certain young maiden from Babylon,
Decided to lure all the rabble-on,
By dropping her shirt,
And raising her skirt,
Exposing a market to dabble-on.

There’s a charming young lady named Julie,
Who’s often been screwed by yours truly,
But now . . . it’s appallin’,
My balls always fall in!
I fear that I’ve fucked her unduly.

There once was a rabbi from Keith,
Who circumcised men with his teeth.
It was not for the treasure,
Nor sexual pleasure,
But to get at the cheese underneath.

While Titian was mixing rose madder,
He espied a nude girl on a ladder.
Her position to Titian,
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had ‘er.

There once was a novice at Chichester,
Whose form made the saints in their niches stir.
One morning at matins,
Her bosom ‘neath stains,
Made the Bishop of Chichester’s britches stir.

A Roman who hailed from Gadondom,
Used a fried hedgehog’s hide for a condom.
His mistress did shout,
As he pulled the thing out,
“De gustibus non disputandum!”
(there is no disputing taste)

There was a young man from Aberystwyth,
Who said to the girl he just kissed with,
“That hole in your crotch,
Is for fucking and such,
And not just a gadget to piss with.”

There was a young lady called Annie,
Who had fleas, lice, and crabs up her fanny,
To get up her flue,
Was like touring the zoo,
There were wild beasts in each nook and cranny.

The OnSec from old Tallahassee
Found his dick turning into a cacti,
When his friends said “Who did it,”
He said, “I don’t know yet,
But undoubtedly, Dux femina facti.”
(a woman is the perpetrator of the deed) – F.B.

There was an old whore from the Azores,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores
,Even dogs in the street,
Wouldn’t touch the green meat,
That hung in festoons from her drawers.

There was a young girl from Assizes,
Whose breasts were of two different sizes,
The left one was small,
Sweet nothing at all,
The right one was large and won prizes.

There was a young lady in Brent,
Whose old man’s pecker was bent,
She said with a sigh,
“Oh why must it die?
Let’s fill it with Portland Cement.”

There was a young man of Koblenz,
The size of whose balls was immense,
One day playing soccer,
He sprung his left knocker,
And kicked it right over the fence.

There was a young lady named Alice,
Who used dynamite for a phallus,
They found her vagina,
In North Carolina,
Her arsehole in Buckingham Palace.

There once was a lady from Arden,
Who sucked a man off in a garden,
He said, “My dear Flo,
Where does all that stuff go?”
And she said (swallow hard)”I beg pardon?”

There was a young lawyer named Rex,
With diminutive organs of sex,
When hauled in for exposure,
He replied with composure,
“De minimis non curat lex.”
(the law does not concern itself with trivial things)

She wasn’t what one would call pretty,
And other girls offered her pity.
So nobody guessed,
That her Wasserman test,
Involved half of Oklahoma City.

There was a young lady named Alice,
Who thought of her cunt as a chalice,
One night sleeping nude,
She woke, feeling lewd,
And found in her chalice a phallus.

There once was a Filipino hombre,
Who ate rice, pescado y legumbre.
His trousers were wide,
And his shirt hung outside,
And this, I may say, was costumbre.

There was a young man from Australia,
Who painted his arse like a dahlia,
The drawing was fine,
The color divine,
But the scent – Ah, that was a failure.

There was a young fellow named Babitt,
Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
But a girl from Lahore,
Could do it twice more,
Which was just enough extra to crab it.

A lady astrologist in Vancouver,
Once captured a man by maneuver.
Influenced by Venus,
She jumped on his penis,
And nothing on Earth could remove her.

There was a young lady of Dexter,
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they’d start,
He’d unfailingly fart,
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.

When Hillary said there would be no,
White males on the cabinet or she’d go,
An ex-lover named Flowers,
Said, “Bill, use your powers,
Te hominum esse memento.”
(remember you are a man) – F.B.

There was a young lady from France,
Who decided to take just one chance.
For an hour or so,
She just let herself go,
And now all her sisters are aunts.

There was a young lady from Maine,
Who enjoyed copulating on a train.
Not once, I maintain,
But again and again,
And again and again and again.

An Eskimo on his vacation,
Took a night off to succumb to temptation.
‘Ere the night was half through,
The Eskimo was, too,
For their nights are of six months’ duration.

There once was a Duchess of Bruges,
Whose cunt was incredibly huge,
Said the King to his Dame,
As he thunderously came,
“Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!”

Sir Reginald Basington Bart,
Went to a masked ball as a fart,
He had painted his face,
Like a more private place,
And his voice made the dowagers start.

There was a young fellow named Brewster,
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
“It used to be grand,
But just look at my hand,
You ain’t wiping as clean as you used ‘ter.”

There was a young man of Bengal,
Who went to a fancy dress ball,
Just for a stunt,
He dressed up as a cunt,
And was fucked by a dog in the hall.

There was a young trucker named Briard,
Who had a young whore that he hired,
To fuck when not trucking,
But trucking plus fucking,
Got him so fucking tired he got fired.

There was a young sailor named Bates,
Who did the fandango on skates,
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

A woman from on the Equator,
Once went out to sea on a freighter,
She was screwed by the master,
An utter disaster,
But the crew all made up for it later.

I once knew a girl named Maureen,
Her cunt was a mass of gangrene,
But health nuts, she found,
Would still eat her mound,
‘Cause maggots are high in protein.

There once was a whore on the dock,
From dusk until dawn she sucked cock,
Till one day, ’tis said,
She gave so much head,
She exploded and whitewashed the dock.

There was a young man of Belgrave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave,
He said, “I admit,
I’m a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save.”

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno,
Said, “Fucking is one thing I do know,
A woman is fine,
And sheep are divine,
But a llama is numero uno.”

There was a young man from Bengal,
Who had a rectangular ball,
The square of its weight,
Plus his penis times eight,
Was two-fifths of five-eights of fuck all.

There once was a poet named Dude,
Whose wife was a bit of a prude,
But after a beer,
She’d start feeling queer,
And ask the whole room if they screwed.

There once was a fellow from Beverly,
Went in for fucking quite heavily,
He fucked night and day,
Till his ballocks gave way,
But the doctors replaced them quite cleverly.

There once was a Bishop of Buckingham,
Who wrote “Assholes and Twelve Ways of Rooting ’em,”
He then went berserk,
When outdone by a Turk,
Who wrote “Goats and Twelve Ways of Fucking ’em.”

When her daughter got married in Bicester,
Her mother remarked as she kissed her,
“That fellow you’ve won,
Is sure to be fun,
Since tea he’s fucked me and your sister.”

Then there was the Bishop of Birmingham,
Who screwed all the girls while confirming ’em,
To the roars of applause,
He’d pull down their drawers,
And inject his Episcopal sperm in ’em.

There was a young man of Bombay,
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay,
But the heat of his prick,
Turned the clay into brick,
And it rubbed his foreskin away.

There was a young man of Trieste,
Who loved his young wife with such zest,
That despite all her howls,
He sucked out her bowels,
And puked up the mess on her chest.

There was a bloke in Calcutta,
Who did a shit in the gutter,
Sun was so hot,
Melted his balls on the spot,
And off they flowed like butter.

There once was a young man from Boston,
Who tried to get laid in a Nissan,
There was room for his ass,
And three gallons of gas,
But his balls hung outside and he lost ’em.

There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who said to his girl, “You’re a tight ‘un.”
She replied, “‘Pon my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole,
There’s plenty of room in the right ‘un.”

There was a young damsel named Baker,
Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker,
He yelled, “My God!
What do you call that a twat?
Why the entrance is more than an acre!”

There was a young lady named Brent,
With a cunt of enormous extent,
And so deep and wide,
The acoustics inside,
Were so good you could hear when you spent.

There once was a Queen of Bulgaria,
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a Prince from Peru,
Who came for a screw,
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.

There was a young girl who begat,
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat,
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.

There was a young fellow named Bliss,
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus,
His recalcitrant penis,
Would never do better than this.

A poofter from old Khartoum,
Lured two lesbians up to his room,
They argued all night,
Over who had the right,
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

A nasty old bugger of Cheltenham,
Once shit in his bags as he knelt in ’em,
He sold them at Ware,
To a gentleman there,
Who didn’t much like what he smelt in ’em.

There once was a man of Cape Nod,
Who attempted to bugger a cod,
When up came some scallops,
That nibbled his ballocks,And now he’s a eunuch, by God.

There was a young woman of Chester,
Who said to the man who undressed her,
“I think you will find,
That it’s better behind,
As the front is beginning to fester.”

There was a young woman of Croft,
Who played with herself in the loft,
Having reasoned that candles,
Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they did not go soft.

There was a poor wretch from Cape Horn,
Who wished he’d never been born,
He wouldn’t have been,
If his father had seen,
That the end of his rubber was torn.

A policeman from near Clapham Junction,
Had a penis which just wouldn’t function,
For the rest of his life,
He misled his poor wife,
With a snot on the end of his truncheon.

Barney, purple master of tedium,
Drives sane adults to delirium,
Spouting multicultural drivel,
He makes our brains shrivel,
With messages of oneness ad nauseam..

There was a young lady of Cheam,
Who crept into the vestry unseen,
She pulled down her knickers,
And likewise, the vicar’s,
And said, “How about it, old bean?”

A pretty young thing from Cape Cod,
Said, “Good things come only from God,”
But ’twas not the Almighty,
Who lifted her nightie,
But Roger, the lodger, the sod.

There was a young man from Killeen,
Who invented a fucking machine,
He pulled out the choke,
And the bloody thing broke,
And mixed both his balls into cream.

A lady while dining at Crewe,
Found an elephant’s dong in her stew,
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
Or wave it about,
Or the others will all want one, too.”

King Louis, the exemplar of class,
One time was romancing a lass,
When she used the word, “Damn,”
He rebuked her, “Please ma’am,
Keep a more civil tongue up my ass.”

There was an old man of Duluth,
Whose cock was shot off in his youth,
He fucked with his nose,
And with fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.

There was a young lady of Kew,
Who said as the Bishop withdrew,
“The Vicar is slicker,
And quicker and thicker,
And two inches longer than you.”

The selfsame young lady of Kew,
Said as the Vicar withdrew,
“The Verger’s emerger,
Is longer and larger,
And he gets his ballocks in too.”

A habit both vile and unsavory,
Kept the Bishop of London in slavery,
With lecherous howls,
He deflowered little owls,
That he kept in an underground aviary.

There was a young lady called Phoebe,
Who kept a small tame amoebae,
The wee piece of jelly,
Would crawl on her belly,
And tenderly murmur “Ich liebe.”

John Wayne Bobbitt, unfortunate bum,
Is back in his hospital room,
He took physical therapy,
Just a little too seriously,
Now he’s got Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. – F.B.

A shiftless young man from Kent,
Made his wife fuck the landlord for rent,
But as she got older,
The landlord got colder,
And now they live in a tent.

There was a young couple named Kelly,
Who were found stuck belly to belly,
Because in their haste,
They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.

There was a young lady of Trail,
Who offered her body for sale,
She was kind to the blind,
For on her behind,
Her prices were written in Braille.

A clever young harlot from Kew,
Filled up her vagina with glue,
She said, with a grin,
“If they’ll pay to get in,
They can pay to get out of it too.”

There was a young fellow from Kent,
Whose tool was most horribly bent,
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.

There was a young man of Nantucket,
Whose prick was so long he could suck it,
He said, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
“If my ear were I cunt, I’d fuck it.”

Classical hasher, the Flying
Booger, had all the girls sighing,
By praising their twats in,
Both Greek and in Latin,
Then fucking them till they were dying.

A towering boor named Infernal,
Sported organs of sex internal,
When an insensitive lass,
Did take him to task,
He replied, “Contraria contrariis curantur-al.”
(Things are cured by their opposite-als) – F.B.

A man on a farm in Moritz,
Once planted two acres of titz,
They came up in the fall,
Pink nipples and all,
Then he leisurely chewed them to bitz.

The brilliant young physicist Fisque,
Was determined a security risque,
For acts of perversion,
Were his main diversion,
At which one can only say, “Tisque.”

A frustrated virgin named Pugh,
Once dreamed she was having a scrugh.
Repenting her sin,
he awoke with chagrin,
At finding it perfectly trugh.

To his bride said the one-eyed detective,
“Can it be that my eyesight’s defective?
Has your east tit the least bit,
The best of your west tit,
Or is it a trick of perspective?”

A guru from eastern Tibet,
Now this is the strangest one yet,
Had a member so long,
So pointed and strong,
He could skewer six yaks en brochette.

A hillbilly farmer named Hollis,
With possums and snakes sought his solace.
His children had scales,
And prehensile tails,
And voted for Governor Wallace.

Had enough? Here’s more:

There once was a man from Newcastle,
Who had a collapsible asshole.
It was handy, you see,
When he farted at sea,
He could bend down and make up a parcel.

There once was a fellow from Redding,
Who was constantly wetting the bedding.
Till it made his wife say,
“I don’t mind the spray,
It’s the stench in the morning I’m dreading.”

There was a young man from Devizes,
Whose ballocks were two different sizes.
One weighed a full pound,
And dragged on the ground,
The other was large as a fly’s is.

An insatiable nymph from Penzance,
Traveled by bus to South Hants.
Five others fucked her,
Besides the conductor,
And the driver came twice in his pants.

There once was a man from Belgravia,
Found guilty of obscene behavior.
When he met little girls,
He’d rub spunk in their curls,
When cautioned he said, “Spunk makes ’em wavier.”

A lady who lived in South Mimms,
Had the most overwhelming of quims.
The priest of the diocese,
Has elephantiasis,
So it wasn’t all singing and hymns.

There was a young fellow from Nottingham,
Who saved up tin cans and put snot in ’em.
He threw in some shit,
To spice it a bit,
And sold ’em to boys, who shot off in ’em.

O.J., a hero of yore,
Took to kicking in his ex’s door,
Then he went a bit whacko,
Hopped in his white Bronco,
And took L.A.P.D. on a tour. – F.B.

There was a young girl from Bahia,
Who liked sticking flutes up her rea-ha.
After eating escargots,
She could fart Handel’s “Largo,”
Her encore was “Ave Maria.”

Ermyntrude of ample proportions,
Always took contraceptive precautions.
But one day little Ermyntrude,
Let a little sperm intrude,
“Does anyone here do abortions?”

There was a young fellow from Stroud,
Who could fart unbelievably loud.
When he let go a big ‘un,
Dogs were deafened in Wigan,
And the windowpanes shattered in Oudh.

There once was a sheik from Algiers,
Who said to his harem, “My dears,
You may think it odd of me,
But I’ve given up sodomy,
And taken up fucking.” Big cheers!

Then up spoke his friend the mahout,
“Fucking’s all very well, I’ve no doubt,
But I just had a bunk,
Up an elephant’s trunk.”
Cries of “Shame!” “Dirty sod!” “Chuck ‘im out!”

A randy young buck of Lahore,
Was asked when he rogered his whore.
“At eleven,
At three, five, and seven,
And eight, and a quarter past four.”

There was an old monk from Siberia,
Who seemed to get wearier and wearier.
No wonder this monk,
Was sharing his bunk,
With his girlfriend, the Mother Superior.

There was a young lady named Hilda,
Who went for a walk with a builder.
He knew that he could,
And he should, and he would,
And he did, and he goddamn near killed her.

A chap down in old Oklahoma,
Had a cock that could sing “La Paloma.”
But the sweetness of pitch,
Couldn’t put off the hitch,
Of impotence, size, and aroma.

Barney, that creature with no dick,
Is so offensive he makes my old dog sick,
With weird vacant eyes,
And felt-covered thighs,
He’s hardly what I’d call Jurassic. – F.B.

A disgusting young man named McGill,
Made his neighbors exceedingly ill,
When they learned of his habits,
Involving white rabbits,
And a bird with a flexible bill.

There was a young girl named McCall,
Whose cunt was exceedingly small.
But the size of her anus,
Was something quite heinous,
It could hold seven pricks and one ball.

A broken down harlot named Tupps,
Was heard to confess in her cups,
“The height of my folly,
Was fucking a collie,
But I got a nice price for the pups.”

There was a young plumber of Lea,
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, “Stop your plumbing,
There’s somebody coming!”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me.”

There was a young parson named Bings,
Who talked about women and things.
But his secret desire,
Was a boy in the choir,
With a bottom like jelly on springs.

An elderly pervert in Nice,
Was long past wanting a piece.
He jacked off his hogs,
His cow, and his dogs,
Till his parrot called in the police.

Lady apes all ran from King Kong,
Whose dong was unspeakably long.
But a friendly giraffe,
Chewed the length of his staff,
And ecstatically burst into song.

A maiden who lived in Virginny,
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh, and whinny.
The hunting set chased her,
Fucked, buggered, then dropped her,
For the pitch of her organ went tinny.

There was a young girl of Devon,
Who was raped in the garden by seven,
High Anglican priests,
The lascivious beasts,
Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.

There was a young lady of Trent,
Who said that she knew what it meant,
When he asked her to dine,
Private room, lots of wine,
Oh she knew, yes she knew, but she went.

An organist playing in York,
Had a prick that could hold a small fork.
And between obbligatos,
It’d much at tomatos,
And keep up his strength while at work.

The last time I dined with the King,
He did a curious thing.
He stood on a stool,
And took out his tool,
And said, “If I play, will you sing?”

Sam was a right-wing New Yawkah,
A great fan of Mister Rush Limbaugh,
When Oprah’s guest, a pervert,
Pulled down Donahue’s skirt,
Sam, filled with glee, chuckled Haugh-Haugh. – F.B.

There once was a girl from Hoboken,
Who claimed that her cherry was broken,
From riding her bike,
On a cobblestone pike,
But it really was broken from pokin’.

There was a young lady from Natchez,
Who happened to be born with two snatches.
She said, with some wit,
I’d give either tit,
For a man with equipment that matches.

There once was a girl named Ann Heiser,
Who claimed no man could suprise her.
But Pabst to a chance,
Found a Schlitz in her pants,
And now he is sadder, Budweiser.

There once was a lady from Wheeling,
Who claimed she lacked sexual feeling.
Till a cynic named Boris,
Touched her clitoris,
And they scraped her off of the ceiling.

There once was a man named McSweeney,
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
Now, just to be couth,
He added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.

There was a young fellow named Rick,
Who was cursed with a spiraling dick.
He started to hunt,
For a twisted-up cunt,
To match his curlicue prick.

He found one and took it to bed,
And then in dismay he dropped dead.

For that spiraling snatch,
Although nearly a match,
Had come with a left-handed thread.

A pretty young boy known as Kevin,
Was raped in a pasture by seven
Lascivious beasts,
(Oh, those Anglican priests!)
And such is the kingdom of heaven.

It’s easy enough to be happy,
When your tits are 44-D.
But the gal worthwhile,
Can smile and beguile,
With a bosom the size of a pea.

So well stacked was a freshman named Brenda,
That the studs yearned to part her pudenda.
So they all were irate,
When her first campus date,
Wasn’t Tom, Dick, or Harry – but Glenda!

There was a young lady from Worchester,
Who complained that too many men goosed her.
So she traded her scanties,
For sandpaper panties,
Now they goose her much less than they used ‘ter.

There was a young maiden named Hoople,
Whose bosom was triple, not duple.
She had one tit removed,
But it grew back improved:
At present Miss Hoople’s quadruple.

Adam and Eve were standing by a tree.
Says Eve to Adam, “Will you eat with me?”
Says Adam to Eve, when he’d had a taste,
“Cover it with a fig leaf, or we’ll
Dry out the paste!”

We recall with the fondest of ease
The front aperture of Louise.
Tho’ shaped like a funnel,
’twas large as a tunnel
With a space for a flying trapeze.

We know an old gal from Decatur,
With an ass like a ripe red tomater.
She’ll roll in the weeds,
While you get off your seeds,
And that’s why us fellers all date her.

There’s an oversexed lady named Whyte,
Who insists on a dozen a night.
A fellow named Cheddar,
Had the brashness to wed her,
His chance of survival is slight.

There was a young man from Bengal,
Who claimed he had only one ball.
But two little bitches,
Pulled down this man’s breeches,
And proved he had nothing at all.

What with female Marines, Sergeant Trilling,
Finds his life in the Corps more fulfilling.
In the daytime, his skill,
Is close-order drill,
While at night, it’s in close-ardor drilling!

Cried exuberant Sheik Fahzee Dik,
“The E Vitamin has a great kick!
My harem brood,
Are frequently screwed,
For it pricks up the shtick in my mick!”

A physical fellow named Fisk,
Could screw at a rate very brisk.
So fast was his action,
The Fitzgerald contraction,
Would shrink up his rod to a disk.

There was a young lady at sea,
Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
Said the brawny old mate,
“That accounts for the state,
Of the cook and the captain and me.”

An inventor of genius named Moore,
Made himself a mechanical whore.
But he failed when he wooed her,
She unscrewed as he screwed her,
And her clit clattered down to the floor.

A self-centered sugar named Perkins,
Would work off her urges with gherkins.
Until, with a skid,
Inside her one slid,
And pickled her internal workin’s.

A silly young man from Hong Kong,
Had hands that were skinny and long.
He ate rice with his fingers –
The taste of it lingers,
But now all his fingers are gone.

One evening a guru had coitus,
With an actress, a whore and a poetess.
When asked what position,
He used for coition,
He answered serenely, “The loetus.”

Your rich coffee cake, Sara Lee,
Has made me a waist sixty-three.
My stomach, alas,
Is such a big mass,
I can’t even see ME when I pee.

A lady from Kalamazoo,
Once found she had nothing to do.
So she sat on the stairs
And she counted her hairs:
Forty-three thousand and two.

Cried an overhung fellow named Bowen,
“My pecker keeps growin’ and growin’.
It’s got so tremendulous,
So long and so pendulous,
It’s no good for pecking . . . just showin’!”

There once was a fellow named Potts,
Who was prone to having the trots.
But his humble abode,
Was without a commode,
So his carpet was covered with spots.

A pretty young lady named Vogel,
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole,
Nosed into her hole,
Ms. Vogel’s okay, but the mole’s ill.

There was a young girl from East Lynn,
Whose mother (to save her from Sin),
Had filled up her crack,
With hard-setting shellac,
But the boys picked it out with a pin.

A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux,
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
To ensure his regard,
She would squat in his yard,
And longingly pee in the sneaux.

There was a young lady from Rheims,
Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
A friend poked around,
And a fly-button found,
Lodged tight in her hole, so it seems.

A hot blooded damsel, Miss Pickett,
Had a hickey flare up in her thickett.
The young doctor said,
“Now lady, get spread,
It’s obvious I’ll have to prickett!”

A limerick packs laughs anatomical,
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I’ve seen,
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

There was a young man named Crockett,
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.

On a cannibal isle near Malaysia,
Lives a lady they call Anastasia.
Not Russian elite,
She’s eager to eat
Whatever or whoever lays her.

There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
“I’ll give you a ding for a dong!”

There once was a man named Howells,
Who sucked shit from other mens’ bowels.
He also did this,
With prostitutes’ piss,
And the drippings from sanitary towels!

A nervous old codger named Royce
Couldn’t control his sphincter by choice.
So he speedily strode
To his favorite commode,
Blew his nose, blew his ass, and rejoiced.

There once was a man from Los Leaver
Who had an affair with a beaver.
The results of that fuck
Were a canvas-backed duck,
Two canoes, and a golden retriever.

A languid young man from Racine
Wasn’t weaned until nearly sixteen.
He said, “I’ll admit
There’s no milk in the tit,
But think of the fun it has been.”

The nipples of young Miss Hong Kong
When excited are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.

A prudish young woman from Ealing,
Professed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic called Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.

The Farter from Sparta (a rare long-form limerick):

There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He’d fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.

He’d fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, hum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart The Toccata,
He’d boom from his ass
Bach’s B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious Lieutenant Major,
He proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of the Hayden Octet in B-Major.

It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile;
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The selection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
‘Til with ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed,
And collapsed in a shower of shit!